I'm back like a bad dream. Tonight I look at my Lily Bear and my Star girl and wonder ........can I really do this?I've made them my link to making this a reality or non-reality, a bad thing or an okay...moral thing to do. Justifiable. I know as I say that I'm wrong. At the very least ,they could be ill, or sick. So I re-analyze and say I have to do this alone or wait until Lily is sick because I know that won't be long. OHhhhhh, it's like a neverending circle.
Am I using Star, my cat, as my Hope so as not to do anything to myself? Why is it all I think about then?And why can't I stop? I'm so beyond sad, I'm not sure there is a word for it. I don't want my animals to catch on to my sadness and I'm so afraid they will, if they haven't already.
I wish .....I don't know what I wish.
Essie out!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
December 16th, 2011
Today I chopped my hair, something new and exciting! Something fun to represent a new beginning.... I smiled the whole time it was being done. AND then, I got back in my car and cried, not about my hair, not about my new beginning, just about the same ole shit. The damn cloud was still hanging over my car, I guess. I had to go home to deal with the same shit, I guess. The short party was over. The headache could come back now.
I came home on my day off and crawled into my everlasting safe place, bed. A friend called around 4pm., and we talked for an hour or so. It was a sad and forced conversation for both of us, if we were both being honest. Hard to believe we actually stretched it for an hour. I ended up calling him back and with a brief cry, and we had a more honest conversation. Did it accomplish anything? Hell no. Do I feel better? Hell no. But, alas, I do have a more defined headache.
I have four cats, and two old dogs that depend on me. It would be entirely selfish on my part to kill myself now. Lily is all but attached to me, let alone Star. I've thought of taking them with me but that seems so morally wrong, I don't know how to even think much further beyond that. Maybe I need to consult sometype of counsel; as in a religious counsel. Just an idea. Kinda of a strange idea given I have no respect for religion. Hmmm?
Doesn't look like anyone is dying tonight...at least not on purpose. Arguement with sis might be on the table ....or not...we shall see?
Heading with Sis to see Pops up at the V.A. tonight. Not a good topic, which is another bad topic...maybe we'll cover that tomorrow or who knows, later tonight.
TTFN!!!
I came home on my day off and crawled into my everlasting safe place, bed. A friend called around 4pm., and we talked for an hour or so. It was a sad and forced conversation for both of us, if we were both being honest. Hard to believe we actually stretched it for an hour. I ended up calling him back and with a brief cry, and we had a more honest conversation. Did it accomplish anything? Hell no. Do I feel better? Hell no. But, alas, I do have a more defined headache.
I have four cats, and two old dogs that depend on me. It would be entirely selfish on my part to kill myself now. Lily is all but attached to me, let alone Star. I've thought of taking them with me but that seems so morally wrong, I don't know how to even think much further beyond that. Maybe I need to consult sometype of counsel; as in a religious counsel. Just an idea. Kinda of a strange idea given I have no respect for religion. Hmmm?
Doesn't look like anyone is dying tonight...at least not on purpose. Arguement with sis might be on the table ....or not...we shall see?
Heading with Sis to see Pops up at the V.A. tonight. Not a good topic, which is another bad topic...maybe we'll cover that tomorrow or who knows, later tonight.
TTFN!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
December 14th, 2011
I apparently opened this blog and never wrote anything. So now here I am again, after having left my therapist. My therapist, Maggie, is a pure joy! She suggested I start blogging as a way to put my thoughts down and see how they progress as time passes. So this could get quite enlightening....to me...I don't see it being enlightening to anyone else...but who knows, right?
I guess the heart of this project is my depression. I have no desire anymore to do anything, with anyone, anywhere, for any reason. I sleep constantly, and have no friends anymore. Well, I have one friend, Steve. Two friends, Dana and Steve. They refuse to give up on me. I'm pretty lucky in that way. But the long and the short of it ...is I feel like I'm waiting til I have the guts to kill myself. I figure now isn't the right time for whatever reason, but figure the time will come when I'm ready. I keep hoping it's before my 50th birthday. Don't ask me why, I have no clue.
There is something about being young and depressed and being old"er" and depressed and I just soon get it done and over with before 50 comes knockin. I've been in this mode for so long, that it's just the way it is, and now I know not to talk about it. I'm past that. Been there, done that. Ain't going there again.
Well, I guess this is good enough for entry#1, aye? Whooohooo! Not to bad, pilgrim! Hang on to your hat, folks, cuz next thing ya know there just might be an entry #2!!
Essie out!
I guess the heart of this project is my depression. I have no desire anymore to do anything, with anyone, anywhere, for any reason. I sleep constantly, and have no friends anymore. Well, I have one friend, Steve. Two friends, Dana and Steve. They refuse to give up on me. I'm pretty lucky in that way. But the long and the short of it ...is I feel like I'm waiting til I have the guts to kill myself. I figure now isn't the right time for whatever reason, but figure the time will come when I'm ready. I keep hoping it's before my 50th birthday. Don't ask me why, I have no clue.
There is something about being young and depressed and being old"er" and depressed and I just soon get it done and over with before 50 comes knockin. I've been in this mode for so long, that it's just the way it is, and now I know not to talk about it. I'm past that. Been there, done that. Ain't going there again.
Well, I guess this is good enough for entry#1, aye? Whooohooo! Not to bad, pilgrim! Hang on to your hat, folks, cuz next thing ya know there just might be an entry #2!!
Essie out!
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